BANANA PIE'S ALIVE AND DRY!

By Front H. Page

BALTIMARE BEACH -- Equestria almost lost its favorite banana salespony to a watery grave when Banana Pie was found weighted with cement shoes to the bottom of the sea off the coast. He was discovered and dragged ashore by visiting surfer Aqua Marine. "I was hotdogging on the waves for the Balti-mares when suddenly, I was underwater and saw what I thought was a Sea Pony," says Aqua, "It's a good thing I had a nasty wipeout when I did!" Summer Splash, an off-duty lifeguard who happened to be present, resuscitated Pie and smashed his cement shoes with her thighs. "Judging from his pruney hooves, Pie must've been submerged for hours," says Summer, "I can't believe he held his breath for so long; he must be a freak of nature!" When questioned about his ordeal, a banana was produced and offered by its namesake who simply stated, "I give you banan [sic]."

Police were more baffled by the motivation than the misdemeanor itself, wondering why would anypony perpetrate such a peccadillo on Banana Pie. According to a "reliable source"--the self-appointed "world's greatest detective" dressed up as a bat--the attempt on the life of Pie was committed by a hoofful of thugs who are as petty as the reasons for their actions. They call themselves "the Wit Hit," a trio of old-time gangsters who resemble--but are not related to--a certain Baltimare local. Though this up-and-coming gang is probably nothing to sneeze at, the credibility of the "bat-pony" remains to be seen.