((OOC: Guest starring the main cast of Ask Four Inept Guard Ponies: A blog that could never be accused of false advertising. Go give them a follow and thanks and apologies in advance to their mod for our little interpretation of how these four examples of Equestrian Military Intelligence would fare in the Brittiverse ^__))

Transcript taken from ‘Ask Princess Britannia’ Film Studio: Royal Palace Administration and Governance Buildings: Canterlot.

After Eight: And…cut. Okay that’s a wrap.

'Princess Britannia’: Did that satisfy at last?…Not going to do another twenty takes just to make sure, Hmmm~ Mister Eight?

After Eight: Errr…No, no that…that will do.

'Princess Britannia’: Oh, it will do, will it? Well that’s nice. I’m glad that my efforts do it for you now. It’s not as if I’ve been doing this sort of work since I was a foal. Now, if you don’t mind I’m going for a lie down.

After Eight: Er actually we have one more…

'Princess Britannia’: I Said I am going for a lie down. Whatever thing you have 'one more’ of can wait until I am good and ready. Thank you.

(Sound of trotting hooves)

After Eight: … Fine, whatever… sigh Okay, you four are good to unhitch yourselves from the carriage now. Good job…er..standing there and everything.

Nors: We’re good at standing.

Monolith: Finally yawn Jeez I thought you guys would never finish.

Arrowhead: Quit complaining. It’s still better than more flood duty. My horse-shoes have practically rusted to my hooves out there.

Nors: Yeah, could be worse places to be right now than in a dry studio with a full buffet table…well, full until Sarge got to it, that is.

Bastion: I’m right here, Nors.

Arrowhead: Yeah, thought you’d have noticed him by now with his plot in your face that whole time.

Monolith: Gotta admit, you guys gave us a bit of a scare when you said this was gonna be something to do with Britannia… was on a training exercise with her once as CO. Uggh, that was a weekend my bones still remember on cold nights. That mare’s intense…makes Shining Armor look laid back by comparison… This princess one is much nicer.

Arrowhead: Kinda snooty though. All that stuff about 'Royal Duties’. Give me a break.

After Eight: Err…thanks?

Nors: So, when did Brit turn into an alicorn?

Arrowhead: That isn’t her, moron.

Nors: You sure? Sounds like her. Got the same snobby accent and everything. Maybe the thing that happened to Captain Shining Armor’s sister happened to her too?

Monolith: Oh, Yeah. Maybe she discovered some new kind of tea or something and POMF! Wings and crowny thingy.

Nors: Hey. Weirder things have happened.

Arrowhead: Look, it isn’t her. It’s just some pony dressed up to look a bit like her. Those wings are fake for Celestia’s sake! You can see the stitches.

Nors: How did you notice that? They looked real to me.

Arrowhead: I was looking a bit closer than you. Using my superior investigative skills for…reasons. Besides, everypony knows the real Britannia is down in the mines trying to pull the plug on this flooding…that’s what I heard from Sunwise at any rate.

Monolith: How would he know?

Arrowhead: She’s a Night Commander, he’s a Night Guard…Do I need to draw you a diagram of how the chain of command works?

Monolith: No way. She can’t be. She isn’t a bat pony… plus isn’t she a Beeteater or something? One of the treasure guards.

Nors: No she’s a R.E.E.F Captain

Arrowhead: She’s both and a Night Guard Commander. Swear on your life.

Monolith: Isn’t it, 'Swear on my life?’

Arrowhead: That’s what I said.

Nors:…That’s stupid. How can she have three ranks at the same time? That’s not how it works.

Arrowhead: Must work for her.

Monolith: Even the idea of it sounds exhausting. Commanding both day and night watches?…She mustn’t sleep.

Bastion: I hear she doesn’t. She’s had some sort of spell cast on her when she went on foreign service. Never sleeps. Always working…a tireless sentinel forever guarding Equestria from peril.

Monolith: You’re full of manure, Sarge… She isn’t some kinda super-guard…She’s just crazy.

Arrowhead: Hey! Lay off. She’s a hero to all mares in the guard. Proof positive that you don’t need to be a stallion to rise high provided you have the skills, the wits and the courage to go above and beyond the call of duty.

Nors: No hope for you then, Arrowhead.

Arrowhead: Oh go geld yourself, plothole.

Bastion: Well whatever she is she’s far away from us…thank Celestia. Last thing I’d want is to remind her that we’re still drawing a salary…not after last time.

Monolith: Last time, what? I don’t remember a last time.

Bastion: I don’t wanna talk about it. Fall in troops…Pleasure working with you guys. Always an honour to serve the needs of the Equestrian government in matters of blah blah blah are you gonna eat the rest of those sandwiches?

After Eight: …Help yourselves?

Bastion: Don’t mind if we do.

Nors: Good luck with your blog thing…s'not as good as ours though.

Monolith: Ours has scenery.

Arrowhead: And fan-service… You should do fan-service. Your Princess would look really good in a set of stockings.

After Eight: We’ll…consider it.

(Sound of receding hoofsteps)

After Eight: …Sketchy?

Sketchy Sounds: Yeah?

After Eight: Who the heck were they?

Sketchy Sounds: Oh, them? Just some guards I found hanging around the back of the building.

After Eight: You mean they were real Guards? I thought you’d just dressed up some random ponies you’d pulled off the street.

Sketchy Sounds: They’d been left to direct ponies over to the nearest flood shelter. Dunno how they’d do that in an alleyway though….I think they’d been stationed there to keep them out of the way.

After Eight:…Dear Princess Celestia…

Sketchy Sounds: Yeah… Equestria’s finest in all their glory.

After Eight: What do you suppose it is, some kind of…affirmative action program? Equal representation within law enforcement…they represent the lazy and ignorant population demographic?

Sketchy Sounds: Snort Couldn’t say, dude. I’ll have to ask Freezy some time.

After Eight: Tax-payer’s bits put to best use indeed…Now… how do you suppose we’re going to get that paint off the Royal Coach without anypony noticing?