Original title: 901-1000 Things Pandemonium May Not Do in Equestria

Original description:

Apparently Twilight herself isn’t on that list.

On the other hand, other than a good look at her plot, the only thing I got out of this mess was a bloodrush headache from being dangled upside down for hours.

Oh well.

Also, the list has cracked 1000! Only 1500 more to go before I surpass my Pokemon alter-ego!

Art by kaemantis

***

901: I may not try to patent Spike as the prototype of Insta-Godzilla: Just add Treasure.

902: I may not blow the entire Canterlot Royal Treasury on ice cream.

903: I may not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

904: I may not refer to unicorns as Pony-Klingons.

905: Alicorn horns cannot be set to stun.

906: Alicorn BODIES may be set to stun, but only in the private chambers.

907: Yes, all ponies are vegetarians. This does not mean that were all dirty hippies.

908: Rainbow Dash does not need to go 88 mph in order to achieve 1.21 jiggawatts.

909: So I may not tell Twilight that she can be used for time travel.

910: The Canterlot Military Quartermaster has been officially prohibited from giving me any of the following: Chloroform, grenades, magic dust, homunculi, crowbars, Poison Joke, or anything that makes me giggle when I ask for it. So I must stop asking.

911: I may not attempt to set up a magical emergency services line directly into Princess Celestias ears.

912: Running out of ice cream is not an emergency.

913: I may not refer to the Royal Guard as The Holy Order of the Meat Shield.

914: I may not attempt to stage an Occupy Canterlot event.

915: Alicorns are not the 1%.

916: I may not teach anypony how to play poker.

917: I may not ask Octavia how shes able to hold her bow.

918: I may not refer to Rarity as a crazy cat pony.

919: I do not have the authority to proclaim jihad upon the Changelings.

920: I may not hide Opalescences favorite toy in Angel Bunnys hutch.

921: I may not leave a treasure map to it either.

922: I may not hide it in the Changeling ambassadors quarters either.

923: I may not sell tickets to the ensuing chaos.

924: No, not even if I donate all the money to charity.

925: I may not turn Sweetie Belles bored-shuffle into the newest Equestrian dance craze.

926: I may not start a Farm Animal Liberation Front.

927: I may not attempt to stage a re-enactment of Animal Farm on Sweet Apple Acres.

928: I may not refer to the Canterlot Kinetic Information Retrieval Chamber as the Ministry of Love.

929: I may not refer to Celestias bedchambers as Room 101.

930: I may not countermand royal orders with, Youre not my REAL mum!

931: I may not use this excuse to attempt to get Celestia to admit that shes actually my father instead.

932: The Equestrian national anthem is not, EQUESTRIA! FUCK YEAH!

933: Any attempts to turn the Canterlot Royal Guard into Team Equestria: World Police are automatically vetoed.

934: I may not create a martial art out of Fluttershys massage techniques.

935: I may not refer to it as Flutter-fu, Shy-Kwan-Do, or The Noble And Honorable Path of Beating The Shit Out of Bears.

936: I may not refer to Fluttershy as Sensei.

937: I may not follow her around trying to discern new and awesome ways to kill shit with her every move.

938: The Stare is not a Dangerous Forbidden Technique.

939: I may not attempt to implement Stare Control.

940: For that matter, no one is fooled by my attempts to pass reasonable restrictions on Stares.

941: I may not get involved in the shipping wars.

942: I may not post lists up around Canterlot of all the shipping pairs that have been proposed, and which ones have been proved and disproved.

943: Upon waking up with the words DIE CHANGELING DIE carved on my hooves, I may not wander around Canterlot asking everyone why Im leaving the words, The feminine Changeling the imprinted on the ground wherever I go.

944: I may not use magic to change all the names in Canterlot to protect the innocent.

945: No, not even in a convoluted roundabout way to reveal all the Changeling spies.

946: I may not use a set of my fake Elements of Harmony and Twilights destiny-swapping spell to steal Celestias cutie mark.

947: I may not use this technique to steal Lunas cutie mark either.

948: This makes me the season 4 Big Bad, NOT a creative hero.

949: No, it doesnt matter how much Discord giggled, I may not do it.

950: I may not ask Fluttershy when she and Discord are getting married.

951: This does not make Fluttershy my stepmother.

952: This does not make Fluttershy my wicked stepmother.

953: Twilight may or may not be Princess Charming, but rolling around in the fireplace does not make me Cinderella.

954: I may not play keepaway with Discord with Angel Bunnys couch and claim that its mother-son bonding.

955: Just because Twilights an alicorn princess now doesnt mean that I can prance around her singing, Look at my horse; my horse is amazing.

956: In the same vein, stroking Twilights mane does not turn her into a 747.

957: No comment on the lemonade.

958: I may not call Shining Armor a music hater after he pummeled me into the ground for my song.

959: Fluttershys bear friend is not one of the Buddy Bears, and he sure as heck doesnt always get along. At least not with me.

960: I am not entrusted with the royal jewels, and flashing anypony who challenges me to prove it is massively unbecoming.

961: I may not claim credit for the wings and horn of the Cake twins.

962: I may not be Twilights prayer-secretary.

963: I may not tell Rainbow Dash that she would look better in heels.

964: If I see something unfamiliar crawling forth from Twilights laboratory, I may not poke it with a stick.

965: I may not pick it up and love it and pet it and call it George either.

966: My new detachable head is not freaking awesome. Its creepy as hell.

967: I may not wear a hat with Wizzard strewn across it in sequins.

968: I may not replace Trixies hat with the Wizzard hat either.

969: No matter HOW good she is at running away.

970: Because the little griffon in my hoof told me to, is not a good excuse for anything that I do.

971: I may not introduce Equestria to the concept of forbidden fruit.

972: A flamethrower and a wood chipper is not the last resort to every problem.

973: Not even if it would have solved most of the problems that weve faced so far.

974: I may not try to convince Twilight to teach classes in history, magic, time management, self-control, or dancing.

975: I may not distribute id-10-t forms and insist that theyre necessary to take Twilights courses.

976: Nor necessary to avoid Twilights courses.

977: I may not train Twilights class to all look in one direction while yelling, Squirrel!

978: I may not have a homunculus familiar.

979: Especially not one that looks like a miniature version of me.

980: I may not have a ferret familiar either. Nor a weasel familiar, nor a skunk, nor a dragon.

981: I may not whine that Twilight already has an owl familiar and a dragon familiar, and that she should be a friend and share.

982: While technically linguistically accurate, I may not refer to my hours-long heart-to-heart conversation with Celestia as intercourse with her all night long.

983: Twilight does not need lens flare every time she walks into a room.

984: I may not attempt to install toilets in Canterlot.

985: I may not attempt to collect Princess scat for the purposes of magical experimentation.

986: I may not attempt to collect Princess scat for the purposes of forging it into holy relics either.

987: Collecting Princess scat of any kind is really, really creepy, no matter what I do with it.

988: It doesnt matter that its sparkly and shiny like diamonds; its STILL creepy!

989: No, Rarity doesnt need it for her dresses either!

990: Though, admittedly, it DOES kind of explain why gemstones are so common in Equestria

991: I must stop this line of thought right now before I see Spike munching away on his gemstone collection again.

992: I may not promote blank flank pride parades.

993: I may not draw a Dark Mark on anyponys hooves while shes asleep.

994: I may not ask Zecora how to make Love Potion Number Nine.

995: I do not feel like cockatrice tonight, cockatrice tonight.

996: I may not remind Twilight of the time she got stoned ever again.

997: I may not propose that the solution to her PTSD is to get stoned in another way.

998: Yes it IS my fault that Twilight ate all the potatoes in the Canterlot kitchens raw.

999: I may not sell pictures of Twilight giggling at the fact that shes got a horn for hours.

1000: Yes, some pegasai CAN count to ten, but I am not allowed to ask them to prove it.